POiSON WORLD

Maybe I still care .

Maybe I am not over it !!

Maybe I’m more than hurt…did you ever think about that?

Stupid thing is that no one else understands me or what was.. not WAS but is so special….It bothers me because I can’t talk to anyone about it because there are no one who would understand me….I use to talk to you all the time about different things but I never talked about the issues I had…or have in mY LiFE…. but this time I can’t because it is about you, well not entirely you !! 😐 I think about it every day…I get angry…then enraged….then I get upset and I end up feeling a sense of melancholy and to top it off I feel like this every day and knowing that I made the most stupidest choice just so that I don’t have to be in your way pisses me off way more which creates a disgusting feeling that I can’t talk to anyone about  but you!!
LAME isn’t it? You don’t even want to talk to me though you tell everyone that I ignore you and I put up with it and sort of ended it because you’re not the same anymore…. but SMARt oNE so there’s so many people on your side, but I really don’t care who’s on your side or who’s not….I am just  so so angry at mYSELf for the fact that I actually MISS YOU and I STILL KNOW THAT YOU NEED mE…I am even dumber than I think…. And I dont know how.

I don’t know if you care…or if you even have the time to read what I am going to write…but sometimes it feels slightly easier to breathe when one speaks their mind to someone who they haven’t seen….or who they won’t see for quite some time….someone who won’t bring it up again….but will just read what one’s thoughts are….

I learnt how to trust someone that doesn’t live with me….who isn’t mY FAMiLY…i was always a complete StRANGESt StRANGER to you….but still you knew who I am to you..yet still you didnt care for mE….still didnt realize what you are doing…. But still I trust you again…completely…also loved you…infact loved ya when more…..showed it to you…and still care about till now and maybe forever and always..

.

I do admit that it was mY fault… I was the one who started to put yaa little bit in doubts  but I didnt realizes you will do such a thing…. When it is too late….that is when I actually realized that what I had is gone….not just temporarily..but permanently…and to know that what I had was what made me smile every day…I can vividly see and clearly hear mY hEARt shatter beautifully into pieces….and not just mY HEARt…but mE….

And to think that nothing could hurt me or tear me apart… I was so wrong… I took it all for granted and not only that but in Jim Morrison‘s words

“Most people love you for who you pretend to be… To keep their love, you keep pretending- performing…. You get to love your pretense…It’s true…we’re locked in an image…an act ”

That was mE…that is mE…I have never acted like a SAiNT infront of yaa..I was SiNNER…but it was in the past..I had left that path…when I said that that isnt mE anymore…It means that it isnt mE….I have always told ya what I had done and what I have not done…and you should have believed mE when I said to yaa to believe mE…have I ever been wrong infront of yaa about anything..??…was I ever..???…but  enough is just never enough… I don’t know when enough is…or where it stops… I don’t know how to accept enough…. So I am sorry…truly sorry for what I have mistake was done by mE…but the most painful thing is..that you are not even sorry…not sorry for the mistakes you have done…and you are keep doing them again and again… :@

So who am I really now ??…. I just wanted to be happy like everyone else…there is nothing wrong with being happy is there ??… Do you know who I am ??.. Am I who you think I am ?? …or Are you expecting more than I can offer ??…. Am I really the person that I am destined to be ??…. Or have I taken things into my hands without consulting with the one who loved me enough to give me this beautiful gift called life ??

Now what hurts one more is to feel that pain…that one had felt before… the agonizing…n unbearable pain of loneliness…with this pain increasing day by day…night by night…

But there’s more to life…..Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate…our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure…..It is our light…. not our darkness…that most frightens us….and you know what…I am still here for you

But knowing that one will die alone…is a concern not fear…. because fear itself fears itself….. Not alone with no husband or partner but alone with not one close friendship that one can reminisce upon…. The concern of dying alone without the one’s close by holding one’s hand is an unending life full of worry and insecurity….

But I guess I didn’t hold on as tight as I could…

I always used to say this..
To be or not to be ??
Now…Only one will know the answer….